No, for real, I'm still alive now

I'm not going to lie.  It's straight embarrassing to now poke my head up from out of the sand to reenter the blogging world.  It's been crazy long.  Like a teetering right on the precipice of the point of no return sort of long.  But as some wise old man or woman once said, better (super) late than never.

What have I been up to?  Er, raising two human beings who are now almost 2 years of age?  I can't really sum it all up in one entry, but I can tell you that it has been tremendous, poignant, mind numbingly boring, amazingly rewarding, stressful, exhausting, frustrating, aimless, dreamy, blissful, isolating and... absolutely precious, all at once.  Sometimes it feels like you're running a marathon with no real finish line in sight.  There's motherhood for you.

It's been an exercise in learning near complete selflessness- temporarily putting all else aside to try to provide the most nurturing, enriching, loving environment for two soft new human beings to thrive in.  It's also been a humbling look at my own reflection, which is full of impatience, grumpiness, pride, self-centeredness...

The babies are now almost 2 and getting ever so independent (without having the skills yet to really do stuff themselves).  One of their favorite words for the past several months is "SELF".  SELF to when I try to feed them.  SELF to when I try to put on their shoes.  SELF to when I try to carry them or grab their hands while walking through a parking lot.  Of course after a few moments of fumbling and frustration, this is usually followed by a "HELP ME".  Ah, how precious this age is.

Along with their independence is mama's antsiness to regain some of her freedom.  I'm not talking about leaving the babies to go party it up or anything, but to regain a little bit of my identity.  A lot of brainstorming has been taking place over the past year or so and hopefully I'll get the train moving on one of these fronts within the next year.

That's all I have for now homies.  And true to form, a few pictures...

What happens in Vegas (thankfully) stays in Vegas

So I'm happy to report that we made it back in one piece from Vegas this past weekend.  A couple things I've learned from this trip:

• Babies are very adaptable.  The nuggets gave us no problems and adjusted surprisingly well to being and sleeping in a new environment for the first time.  We, on the other hand, were straight up miserable the whole time from basically pulling an all-nighter before the drive and then walking around like pack mule sherpa zombies trying to show the nuggets a good time.  The 8.5 hour drive back did not, I repeat, not, make for a very fun trip (never ever again).
• Vegas will never be the same Vegas I knew prior to having babies.  I guess until they're old enough to stay with the grandparents for a few days, but by then, who wants to see this mama all decked out Vegas style waiting in lines to get into clubs and partying like it's going out of style?  It's like Knocked Up played out in real life (bouncer:  I can't let you in cause you're old as f----).  Sob.  
• With as long as it took to get there and back and with as much work as it was toting around two 8 month olds and all the stuff that goes along with that, a one day trip will never happen again.  We basically set ourselves up for exhaustion, bickering and a necessary week of recovery.

But to end the whining on a positive note, I will say, it's pretty awesome to see the looks on babies' faces the first time they experience something and to literally witness their minds opening up right before your eyes.  For them, every day is chock full of firsts and just to be able to provide them with colorful, albeit sometimes stressful and tiring, experiences really does make it all worth while in the end. 

And of course a few pictures to wrap this up.  

Sheer madness

A bit tired after a long night of gambling

Our attempt at a family picture

This is how we eat.  With one baby strapped to each of us.

 

Mama's signing off.  Need to rest my tired eyes!

Ramblings on a Friday afternoon

Hey out there!  Sorry my postings have been so sporadic and few.  Things have been pretty hectic and busy in the F household this week.  A lot of shifting things around, making some necessary adjustments, letting go of our nanny... that sort of thing.  Also, a lot of brainstorming.

One thing I've been dwelling on and learning to accept lately is that I can't be perfect at everything nor am I naturally gifted at everything I try.  For instance, I've realized that my creative juices definitely do not flow under pressure.  The "design" I came up with this week for my surface decorating pottery class was the type of design that made me want to giggle and run out of the room.  Like pretty hideous, but trying to be cute.

I've grown up pursuing things where there's always been immediate, tangible feedback on performance.  Report cards, competitions, rankings... Whether it be pressure from an outside source or from within, I expected nothing less than the best from myself.  I grew up with my violin teachers telling me, "unless you win grand prize, there's no point in even entering the competition," and I did.  Entering college, I moved to Cleveland to study with one of the most sought after teachers in the world, only to leave that life for law.  Upon entering law school, I told myself that I'd left a promising career as a violinist so I had to be first in my section, and I was.  And then on to the big firm gig and the in-house position.  So you get it.  It's been one thing after another with all my ducks in a row.

All this to say, I feel a bit directionless now.  I think I'm doing well at motherhood but who knows what the outcome will be?  There are so many variables and so much that's out of my control.  And while the vast array of possibilities out there in terms of interests and hobbies and potential future careers are exciting, I also feel a bit lost.  It's like I'm back at square one, but this time, I don't have my parents or teachers or anyone telling me what to do.  My ducks are all paddling their little feet in different directions at the moment.

One thing I do know:  I don't want to be the type of person who expects perfection and as a result, won't pursue anything for fear of falling short.  So my goal for the next few months is to focus on just a few endeavors and to stick to them no matter the outcome.   I want to reprogram myself to try try and try some more, even if I fall flat on my face because that's what I want to teach my nuggets.

Enough rambling.  Onto some mindless randomness...

One of the best purchases of 2011 are my Birkenstock Gizehs.  I was sort of on the fence with these as Birks in general are a little too hippie dippy for my taste, but I'm absolutely in love.  They're hands down the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned to date and pretty much go with everything.  Ok, not everything but so many things!  And, upon doing a google image search for them since there's something a little too intimate about showing a close up of my naked feet, I found pics of my girls Sofia Coppola  and Ashley Olsen wearing a pair.  Now I feel totally cool.

(via here)

(via here)

Have a great weekend!  :)

Snapshots of the weekend

How was everyone's weekend?  Ours was busy busy as usual but meaningful with visits from family and outings with friends.  Annnnnd.... it looks like our baby girl is finally over the worst of her stranger anxiety!  You don't understand what good news this is- like a big cloud's been lifted off our shoulders.  From bracing ourselves for hysterics every time we took her out anywhere (with people) to having her actually smile, enjoy herself, be held by others and show that sparkly personality that we're blessed enough to see day in and day out.  It's as if she literally woke up one morning and decided, "nah... not going to do that anymore.  It's just not cool."  It left as quickly as it came.

On a random note, those crackle polishes are definitely pretty cool in concept, but applied, they sort of remind me of separated yogurt or something.  Or a globe.  Good to change things up every once in a while though, right?

Have an awesome week everyone!

It's here and other cuteness

It's here!  As a follow up to this post, my Clare Vivier messenger tote in navy finally got to go home with its mama yesterday and told me it feels right at home with me.

and, really tugs at the heartstrings just how quickly they grow...

Want to cuddle them forever...

In need of some inspiration

I've been feeling sort of dry lately.  In a creative sense.  Time to dust off the hiney and get moving on that front.  Some things are in the works but more to come on that.

Thought I'd share a bit of sunshine/rain with you.  Poor poor Usher has lost almost everything to the babies... including his bed (and baby boy looks pretty happy about it).

Still dreaming

To celebrate our two-year anniversary, we went to Bazaar at the SLS and I'm still dreaming of all the food we ate.  For the most part, we love us some hole in the wall food.  Think pho, carnitas, k-town bbq, etc.  But of course the occasional fancy meal is always nice if it's worth the price.  Bazaar for sure was.  Delish!  Especially enjoyed the foie gras sliders, philly cheese steak sandwiches, braised wagyu beef cheeks, pisto vegetable stew with a poached egg on top... heck... it was all good!

A happy and full mama ready to turn in for the night

On a separate note, who the heck came up with those torture devices they use in reformer pilates??  I'm literally disabled today.  

Happy anniversary sweets

And here we are with two little nuggets and two years behind us... love you.